Okay, let’s be real.

Motherhood is an incredible blessing and amazing…but at times it’s also frustrating and completely exhausting.

I have officially entered the parenting stage that I have talked about with parents for years! It’s called the terrible twos.

If you have ever wondered exactly what happens to children when they reach the magical age of two, then this might help.

In 1972, a study done by Beulah Amsterdam from the University of North Carolina tested 88 infants between the ages of 6 and 24 months. After putting a spot of rouge on their noses, the infants were placed in front of a mirror. The mothers then pointed at the reflection in the mirror and asked their child, “who’s that?”.

Based on reliable data from 16 of the infants, here is what the research found:

Infants 6-12 months:

behaved as if there was another child in the mirror. They smiled at what they thought was the other child and made noises. They approached their reflection as a playmate.

Infants 13-24 months:

displayed avoidance behaviors. They would cry or avoid looking in the mirror.

Infants 20-24 months:

started to recognize themselves by pointing to and touching the spot of rouge on their own noses.

This was the first of many studies spanning decades of research on self recognition.

But what does this mean for us?

It tells us that at the age of two, our children are coming into their own. They are beginning to recognize themselves as independent, as people separate from us. Because of this, they will often push their limits and test their boundaries…as well as our own.

But this also tells us that their behavior is a completely NORMAL stage of development!

How can this behavior of meltdowns and tantrums that often inspire me to run to a corner and curl up into a fetal position be normal you say? I hear you. I’ve been there.

Here’s what has worked for me: breathing.

Not the breathing you do every single minute of the day, but a different kind of breathing. One that is deliberate and deep.

Let me explain.

When you are in a stressful situation, a part of your nervous system takes over called the sympathetic nervous system. This system activates your fight-or-flight response which makes your breathing shallow and rapid causing you to breathe from your chest and not your lungs.

When you instead breathe deeply, you can actually reverse this response by activating the parasympathetic nervous system. This system activates the vagus nerve, which slows down your heart rate and lowers your blood pressure. By using the abdominal muscles of your diaphragm instead of your chest muscles, you allow for greater air exchange thereby allowing more oxygen to reach the cells of your body.

The result?

A calmer, more relaxed you.

So in the midst of my daughter’s meltdowns, I first make sure that she is in a safe environment where she won’t physically hurt herself. Then, I let her have her meltdown and walk to the other corner of the room.

With one hand on my abdomen, I breathe in through my nose, allowing the air to go deep into my lungs. As I feel my abdomen rise, I pause for a minute and then exhale. As I exhale, I feel my abdominal muscles contract, releasing all the air from my lungs.

This whole process takes me literally less than a minute but when I return to the situation, I am in a state where I respond with a sense of calm instead of impulsively reacting.

This accomplishes two things: 1) By having no immediate reaction, I don’t provide my daughter any reinforcement for the behavior and 2) I respond with kindness instead of anger.

This technique is literally carrying me through this phase.

I have found that parenting is often not about changing our children, it’s about transforming ourselves.

And dear parents, remember that it is a phase. One day, we will be looking at our grown child and in the deep caverns of our heart, we will mourn the ephemerality of a glorious childhood.

(Image via dolgachov/bigstock.com)